As a young adult, getting accepted into university was one of the most exciting moments of my life. It was my first step towards adulthood, a chance to experience life on my own away from my parents. I vividly remember the day the admission list was published, I went from feeling scared to anxious and finally happy when I saw that I had been accepted to study Radiography.
However, fast forward to the present day, and I find myself in my dorm room feeling empty and unfulfilled. The problem wasn’t just one bad choice of major but a series of wrong choices that were atomic in nature, seeming irrelevant when they were made. Some of these choices were made due to ignorance, pressure from outsiders, and fear of uncertainty.
From an outsider’s perspective, I appeared fine, doing great in school with no indication that anything was wrong. But internally, I was suffering from severe depression, underlying anxiety, and an intense feeling of incompleteness. I couldn’t help but feel like I wasn’t on the right path, not just with school but with life in general.
I was always one to prioritize my future, guarding it judiciously. I asked a ton of questions, listened to all advice, followed all directions, avoided all risks, and played it safe, all in the name of protecting my future and what I wanted it to be. However, behind locked doors, I would cry my eyes out and question every decision I had made up until that point. It felt as if the thing I thought I wanted the most was right in front of me, and suddenly I didn’t want it anymore, but I couldn’t explain why.
After completing my first year, I returned home and opened up to my parents about how I was feeling. Their replies were dismissive and unhelpful, and for a while, I even accepted the idea that I was an ingrate for not appreciating what I had. But most of all, I was disappointed in myself. I felt that I had let myself and the people around me down.
It didn’t take long for me to slip into total darkness, becoming the exact opposite of what I wanted to be. I was unproductive, unmotivated, and for some reason, it felt like I had no power over my own life. I suffered the pain of carrying a burden that no one understood, not even me. Finding a solution was not easy, and it took a stroke of luck for me to escape my mental prison.
A couple months ago, while watching TED talk videos, I came across a talk on “uncertainty” by Patrick Mayne that made a big revelation to me. I realized that I was afraid of uncertainty, and this fear led me down the line of making wrong choices, all in the name of being smart and playing it safe. I had listened to others and followed their advice, not trusting my own voice enough to direct me. I had been on a path, a wonderful path, but it wasn’t my path. I felt lost in it, building the future of others instead of the one I cared about.
This realization brought literal tears to my eyes. It was painful to admit that time, energy, and money had been wasted, but it was freeing to acknowledge my mistake. I needed to rediscover what kind of life I wanted for myself and take the lead in the process. I needed to tear down this reality and build the reality I wanted. Most of all, I needed to take risks and get comfortable with not knowing what the outcomes would be.
So here I am, pushing the reset button on my life, rediscovering what I want and taking steps to achieve it.
